The NHS has issued a stark warning today that significant additional funding will be required just to cure Boris Johnson of his delusions of grandeur. Oh, and of talking crap all the time.
“I would estimate an additional £100M per week for five years,” Dr Focken Stopp told LCD Views.
“The handlers needed to contain and sedate him alone will cost millions.
Most will need to be brought in from countries that deal with rogue predators on a daily basis.”
Next it’s thought the sedatives required to make Mr Johnson safe will run to nearly a million pounds.
“And of course, it’s not certain any current biohazard facility will be suitable. It’s not just the security, it’s the padding and sound insulation for the treatment rooms.”
Feeding a beast of Mr Johnson’s size and appetite will also be costly.
“The sheer amount of bullshit he consumes is only matched by the amount that comes out of all of his orifices. The daily clean up bill, the water and soaps and disposable suits? Millions and millions.”
And this is just to establish a regime to attempt a cure.
“It will cause non-treatment of many existing NHS patients. Pretty much every psychologist and psychotherapist working in the service will need to be diverted to tackle Boris and his delusions of grandeur. Oh, and talking crap all the time.”
Are there any alternative treatments?
“Homeopathy is worth a try. Contact with even a microscopic amount of truth may prove fatal in the early stages of treatment.
I suspect the best cure would be for whoever on earth is voting this prize arsehat into office to just stop doing it.”
After then Mr Johnson could be given an LBC show, to continue with talking therapy, with his fans?
“No. I would recommend a hermitage on the same island near the North Pole all Conservative MP’s flee to when there’s bad news around. But for Boris, there’s no ship to bring him back. Just weekly food drops from high altitude.
It’s potentially a boom for flotation based tour operators. A Brexit bonus, if you will.”