The blood of all true born British men were beating a little stronger today with the news from Jacob Rees-mogg’s new eurosceptic research group that it was confident in the superior quality of British knees.
“Old Bonny will soon be on the run in the Brexit negotiations,” J. Bull, spokesman for the group, told LCD Views.
“The weak livered continentals don’t have the knack of either the high or the long jump. Not got the spine for it. Our modern training methods mean British men have substantially firmer knees.”
It’s believed the research group will recommend advancing negotiations now to the stage where all the chaps involved roll up their trousers and stand in a line.
“The Queen will be a fair judge. We’re certain she will identify the knees of British men as not only firmer, but more dexterous than anything the continent can throw at us. After that there will be no more of this project fear talk.
Forget your divorce bill.
Actually forget divorce as a concept.
Once we’re a modern, free, enterprising, isolated trading sovereign nation again and Jacob is elevated to prime minister, divorce will be the first regressive measure taken in recent years to be outlawed.”
When asked why there was no mention of women in their recommendations, Mr Bull looked surprised.
“We’ve mentioned the Queen forty seven thousand, nine hundred and forty three times, in just the first document.”
Other women?
“Oh, the fairer sex in general? Oh, they’ll be in the home. Breeding for Britain! We’ll need the cannon fodder for when we advance our thinking out of the nineteenth century.”
And what if they’re wrong, what if British knees prove less firm?
“That’s the talk of a collaborator,” Mr Bull replied, with a furrowing brow, “But I’ll let it pass. Let’s just say if it’s a complete and bloody disaster, the negotiations, certain clever fellows will make even more money. The sort that keep their money offshore. But you didn’t hear that from me.”
Mr Bull left at that point in the hope of watching the Battle of the Nile, live.