The President of France, Emmanuel Macron, has expressed deep shock this morning at learning what the Bayeux Tapestry is all about, and hopes it will not impact on the mood when he talks to Theresa May tomorrow.
“I thought it was the story of when the English, under the last English/German/Viking king of Anglo-Saxon-Scandinavian England, you know, back when England was just for the English, unlike when it was Roman internationalists, or before that, when it was various continental celtic tribes, defeated the French/Norman usurper William the Bastard, at Hastings, by your charming English seaside,” he explained,
“To learn it’s the reverse! Sacré bleu!”
It’s believed the offer of the loan of the famous cloth artefact was meant to ease relations between England and France before their leaders meet tomorrow.
It may have done the reverse for how the English press is viewing it as a subtle bit of Gallic triumphalism, and a warning of what’s to come with the Brexit negotiations this year.
We asked our international diplomacy correspondent, Doctor Blanque Check, what he makes of the French faux pas?
“I’ll make of this phopar whatever you want me to,” he responded, aptly signalling why he is the highest paid imaginary member of our staff, “this is the French being too clever for their own good.
Tomorrow, Emmanuel Macron, is going to sit down on a short legged chair, pat the cushion of the one next to his, and ask Ms May to take a seat next to him, ‘mon mois préféré de mai’”
After Ms May acquiesces, President Macron will say something like this in geezer, to make sure Ms May gets it,
“Do you want a jungle in Dover, you great steaming, robotic pillock?
Because the way you’re going, sweetheart, you’ll find your English border right back in England and thousands of refugees camping along your frozen beaches.
How do you think that’s going to play with the tub thumping idiots you rely on to keep you in power?
No idea? Cat got your tongue?
I’ll tell you.
It’s going to spin your head so fast counterclockwise that those little, bitty bolts that hold your head on will pop right out and the whole show will fall right off. That’s how.
Now give’s your financial services, pharmaceutical, aerospace industries, get ready to pay forty percent more for brie and billions for border security and piss off.”
And how does Doctor Check believe this will play with Ms May?
“She’ll be backing a referendum on the terms of Brexit faster than Corbyn can blink when he hears it,” the doctor replied, “by the way, it’s a frigging embroidery, not a tapestry! What is so bloody hard about that?”