In an exclusive interview Transport Secretary Chris Grayling talks to LCD Views about his new life as a hermit.
Q. Mr Grayling, it is Mr, isn’t it? You haven’t received your peerage yet?
No answer.
Q. Well, let’s move on? Why did you decide to crawl into this undiscovered, Neolithic tomb on a subpolar crag of an island hundreds of miles from the nearest, other inhabited island?
No answer.
Q. Okay, I guess that’s too personal. The next question is, what do you have to say to all those sub-contractors likely to go bust as a result of the collapse of Carillion?
A company you awarded massive government contracts to, even though, there were clear signs it was essentially being run like a Ponzi scheme?
No answer.
Q. Let’s push this one a little. I think the people affected by your incompetence deserve an answer, they accepted the work because the government backed Carillion.
No answer.
Q. When are you coming home? Have you letters you would like me to mail when I get back to Orkney?
No answer.
(At this point the transport secretary, who looks a bit cavemanish for having lived in the cave since he dodged questions on the rail fare increases, appears to throw scat at our reporter)
Q. Final question. Do you anticipate enjoying your pension in retirement after a long and glorious ministerial career of turning anything you touch to shit?
That’s what I’ll get my peerage for.
Q. So this is not a vow of silence, just a hermitage?
No answer.
Q. Goodbye Secretary of State for Transport.
A. Don’t tell anyone you found me or I’ll stop all your Southern Rail trains services from running on time. And do me a favour, chase the little devils away from my cave door.
It’s clear he’s lost his mind.
Still, at least he’s still being paid, even for hiding from his responsibilities.