Reports from America this afternoon indicate 365M people have reportedly been discovered chained to a golden toilet inside the little known Florida resort Mar-a-lago.
“A woman escaped early this morning and entered a nearby police station saying she had escaped from an orange faced man’s ensuite toilet while he was distracted by something unflattering on Twitter,” officer D. Ocracy told LCD Views great team of foreign correspondents.
Just the greatest. The world has never seen a team like ours.
It appears the suspect, a Mr Drumpf, has been holding the people hostage for over a year and he’s not alone.
“Mr Drumpf is believed to be working with a Russian gentleman and numerous multi-billionaire neocons, or greed fuelled sociopaths, to entrap the unfortunate people.”
It’s not known exactly what the orange man’s motivation is, but it’s believed racism and a zero knowledge of history and current events is involved.
“He makes us all perform a ritual each day,” the escapee is believed to have said, “we have to disavow someone called Obama. It’s quasi-religious, the fervour. If you don’t say ‘Obama bad’, you don’t get your ration of gruel.”
Curiously though, not all the trapped people seem keen on escape.
“It’s thought a few don’t mind the forced stay. Mostly they are ones who like the way he talks because they thrive on lack of context and finding people to blame.”
Police are also working on the theory that this is an international conspiracy tied to the group presently holding 65M+ people captive in the U.K. too.
“We should have begun the rescue operation in Florida by November 6th this year,” the officer reassured, “but I’ll buggered if I know when the limeys are going to be rescued.
Most of the available law enforcement on that side of the pond don’t seem interested in attempting a rescue as they’re erotically obsessed with some kind of ideological battle that’s building between the far left and the far right, whatever that is.”
More on this as it breaks.