Labour was still looking the general election victory gift horse of Brexit in the mouth this morning, as news broke of Justine Greening MP challenging Theresa May for leadership of the Tory party.
Ms Greening won the contest thirty seconds later, the Conservatives became the newest pro-Remain party, much to the irritation of the Liberal Democrats, cancelled austerity, causing private fury amongst Labour leaders, and called a snap GE.
All within two minutes of the member for Putney’s rapid acceleration to the top.
“Who will you back? This great, United Kingdom or Mr Jeremy Lexit Corbyn?” Ms Greening asked, speaking from the steps of 10 Downing Street, even as Theresa May was still clearing the Brexit plan fag packets out of her old desk.
“We believed we had as long as we liked to take government,” A spokesman for Labour told LCD Views,
“but we were so busy calling left of centrist remainers yellow Tories on endless Twitter threads we totally missed the moment when the Tories began massaging the party message towards staying in the EU. We were building a movement.”
That moment was on the 15th of January when Boris Johnson said he would rather stay in the EU, than accept a soft Brexit, something the raving, neoliberal, imperial nostalgic freak members of the party would never accept.
It’s either a total victory for the disaster capitalists or slink back into the shadows for a few years.
“People were onto us,” an aide to the new prime minister revealed, “We were ruining the NHS too fast. And when people began to die prematurely in corridors, and the construction sector started collapsing like a deck of cards, but Labour still wouldn’t break ranks with us over Brexit, we knew we had a chance to save our skins.”
An additional factor appears to have been the majority of Conservative MP’s reading the Brexit impact assessments.
“Of course they exist. We were just lucky we had a serial chancer and blowhard like Davis fronting that farce so the media was too distracted by his constant contradictions to pry too hard. Any MP who read the first paragraph of any of the assessments realised immediately that Brexit was the end of the Conservatives.”
Asked how they plan to respond to the shock election defeat, Labour had this to say,
“It’s okay. Jeremy is happiest building a movement.”