Jeremy Hunt’s workload was pleasantly lighter this afternoon after minister for Transport, Chris Grayling, was drafted in to oversee the NHS for him.
“Chris has spare time on his hands now he’s no longer lobbying to give his friends at Carillion extra government contracts,” a spokesman for the department for health told LCD Views.
“He was spending his time today just phoning up Downing Street asking if there was anything he could do? And scanning Expedia for good deals on middle eastern flights, so it’s nice for him to be able to help somewhere with all his free time.”
It’s thought the helping hands will allow Jeremy Hunt to properly prepare primary, post Brexit legislation, that will hand the entirety of the NHS over to Virgin Health, as a reward for Richard Branson reversing the refusal of his toy train set to stock the Daily Mail.
“Chris has a proven track record of handing massive amounts of public money and responsibility over to companies issuing profit warnings.
He’s the right man to advise on the awarding of new NHS contracts to private partners whose only concerns are people’s health and well-being.
This should only serve to accelerate the collapse of the NHS, by decisions not being taken on merit or best practise at government level, and its lockstock privatisation.
Something we can all be proud of in the Conservative Party.
It’s really a legacy issue.
Our membership will have physically died out soon, so they won’t need the NHS. We’re trying to leave something to the neoliberals of tomorrow.”
Mr Hunt is said to have offered no resistance when Downing Street phoned him up to make him aware of the splitting of his duties.
“Jeremy wears his heart on his sleeve,” the spokesman added, “well, he wears someone’s heart there. He’ll always help out a friend.”
LCD Views’ public health analyst has this to say.
“That’s the NHS royally f*cked then. If I were you, and you have school age dependents, I’d be bloody sure you get them into medical school.”
It’s thought in this way you can secure being able to see a GP in the future.
“And you’ll get to discuss how big their bonuses are each Christmas, if you’re lucky enough to see them, if they haven’t been worked to death from exhaustion.”
Grayling wasn’t asked for comment as everyone has now realised that’s pointless.