Daily Mail readers across the land have been protesting the decision by Virgin Trains not to sell the paper. Virgin has now changed its mind (as a Virgin is entitled to do). Readers are overjoyed. Virgin has caved in to the pressure and taken one for the team.
Accordingly, readers of this once well-respected propaganda machine are demanding redress. The only satisfactory solution is to provide a sacrifice to the Gods of Brexit, in accordance with regulations laid down in the Book of Euroscepticus.
Doubtless the Wikipedia-dodging scandal sheet will crow about this latest “victory”. Virgin has allowed itself to be shafted by this least reputable of organs. Its reputation as a trailblazing and independent entity will be left in tatters.
LCD’s Press Predictions Correspondent reckons that this will be the Mail’s lead story in the morning. “They will brag about this, make no mistake,” he said. “Like a teenage boy after his first snog. No humility. No thought to the possible ramifications. Virgin will be slaughtered and laid out on a cold slab to appease the swivel-eyed maniacs who are running the whole show.”
We tried to contact Richard Branson for comment. “He’s not interested,” said an irritable voice from his media office. “It’s nothing to do with him, he says. He can sell whatever he likes on his trains. It has nothing at all to do with the month’s worth of negative press that the Mail is sitting on in preparation for the next rail franchise renewal.”
The sacrifice is to be carried out by a process of denigration, slander and special offers to travel on rival operators’ trains. Dirt will be dug, and mud slung. Branson’s face will be splashed across the front page with the headline screaming “OFF THE RAILS!”. The accompanying article will tell its readers that Branson is not fit to run a railway, amid calls for his resignation.
It is the only way. The innocent Virgin will be slaughtered to save the saggy hides of the old and wealthy.