Fracking can actually clean your environment, claimed the Environment Secretary this week. Hazardous hydrocarbons are carefully removed from under your property during the process. One possible cause of toxic contamination is being removed.
“It’s a win-win situation,” claimed departmental spokeszombie Edd Lesschicken. “Fracking reduces pollution and increases our oil supplies. It’s a no-brainer!
“Picture the scenario,” he continued. “YOUR house probably sits above an immense quantity of oil and gas. Imagine all that leaking out all over YOUR patio! You’d want it removed, right? And we are going to do it. For free! It’s the bargain of a lifetime.
“Fracking is the simple, harmless procedure in which water and sand and other shit is pumped lovingly into the ground under enormous pressure. This gently forces the nasty oil and shale gas out into the open, where it can be safely stored in vast attractive gasometers.
“The horrid poisons will then be refined and distributed throughout the land via pipelines and tankers, which definitely won’t leak much. Probably.
“YOU will then benefit, because YOU will be able to run YOUR BMW Challenger 2 series on BRITISH fossil fuels for many more years, and feel smug because YOU are doing YOUR bit for the environment!”
Mr Lesschicken frequently referred to Mr Gove as “Mr Green” during his announcement. It is believed to be an endorsement of Gove’s environmental credentials. Less charitable observers reckon that it’s more to do with his toad-like countenance.
Whinging so-called “realists” have pointed out that the word “fracking” is derived from the sound that bedrock makes when it fractures under extremes of pressure. They go on to complain that fracking causes “subsidence” and “earthquakes”. Never one to listen to self-appointed experts, Gove was gently reassuring. He has volunteered his own home town as a flagship fracking ground.
Gove is clearly the spiritual heir to David Mellor. The one who fed mad-cow beefburgers to his daughter. The one who got laid, despite wearing a Chelsea shirt and being David Mellor. Remember him? Bet you fracking wish you didn’t.