The introduction of Free Schools has been a resounding success. Now the Health Secretary, Jeremy C. Hunt, has picked up the baton. He will introduce Free Hospitals as soon as is practicable.
Free Hospitals will be free of all the constraints that are destroying our failing NHS hospitals. Patients will be free to access health care at any facility they choose, and shop around for the best deals. Years of expensive, and frankly unnecessary, training for staff will not be needed, so that start-up costs will be kept to a minimum.
Freedom from government shackles means that health care will no longer be a drain on the public purse. Naturally, patients will be asked to contribute to the cost of treatment. Waiting rooms will incorporate financial assessment hubs, which will ensure that no overweight chavs wearing tracksuits will be able to progress to triage.
“If you can’t afford our surprisingly reasonable fees, we will, sadly, be obliged to harvest vital organs to pay for your treatment,” said Yoby Tongue, CEO of the McDonald’s Drive Thru Burger Bar and Free Hospital. Mr Tongue let slip that you could not enter the hospital via the McDonald’s, although all patients are discharged through the restaurant.
“In addition, to keep costs to a minimum, patients are requested to bring an anaesthetic of their choice,” continued Mr Tongue. “We do, unfortunately, have to charge corkage.”
Employment opportunities are opening up for those with transferable skills. “It’s a dream come true,” said Willie Cleaver at Virgin Free Hospital. “I used to chop up sausages on the butchery counter at Morrison’s. I have a remarkably similar job here!”
Other companies are jumping on the bandwagon. ATOS Free Hospital plans to treat all patients by declaring that they are in perfect health, then sending them back to work in record time.
Poundstretcher Free Hospital is a budget hospital. It offers deals such as “Buy one appendectomy, get one half price!”
Royal Mail Free Maternity Hospital offers a fixed price procedure, but cannot promise delivery by the due date.
What could possibly go wrong? After all, it’s hardly brain surgery.