Michael Gove took to the stage today in a sorry mood to announce the plastic bag tax will rise from 5p to £1,000 a bag by the end of the year in order to pay for Brexit.
“It’s the prime minister’s idea,” A despondent Mr Gove explained, “You understand it’s not my idea. As minister for merchandising the environment this charge falls under my remit, but it’s not my idea. I hope that is really clear. I still want to be prime minister one day.”
It’s thought the minor increase in the charge will be staged throughout 2018, as bad economic news related to Brexit lands in big, steaming chunks across the country.
“I’m doing everything I can to make it easier for shoppers,” Gove added, “It will not go up to a rio grande all at once. I’m going to raise it to £999.98 in May and then £999.99 in August. This way people will have time to adjust before it goes to £1,000 just before Christmas.”
Environmental activists have cautiously welcomed the increase in the tax, but expressed concerns that the extra money raised won’t be spent on environmental causes.
The treasury though was said to be less sanguine about the prime minister’s plan.
“Hammond fears the dramatic increase in value of plastic bags will lead to bags replacing the new plastic notes as currency. We spent a lot of time designing those nostril cutting notes. It would be a shame if it was wasted effort. Although I suppose, we could legislate for plastic bag manufacturers to print famous women’s faces on the bags, thus doing our bit for equality?”
At either rate, people will have to be careful, once the levy increases, not to tear or otherwise damage the bags while shopping.
“I wouldn’t use the plastic bags for shopping anymore, right now,” Michael Gove advised, quietly, “I’ll start storing them at home somewhere dry and safe. It’s likely, once we’ve finished with you, they’ll be the only valuable item you’ll be able to bequeath to your children.”