Secretary of State for Health, Jeremy Rhymes Hunt, was found in a celebratory mood this morning as he pulled the curtain closed on a hospital bed, in a ceremony celebrating keeping his job.
“I’m ecstatic!” He told the gathered NHS staff at a hospital in Brokenbed, Staffordshire, “I love nothing more than reducing the number of beds. It decreases costs for the NHS and increases costs in the vending machines in A&E departments.”
It’s believed the bed closing ceremony will be replicated across the country all week.
“It was actually really funny,” Jeremy told the staff, “that daft woman called me in to sack me and I told her ‘sit down Theresa, I’m not going anywhere, in fact, you’re giving me a fancier job title to boot’.”
It’s believed Mr Hunt had previously told Tory whips he would be happy with a demotion to the business portfolio.
“I told them sure, no problem, I want to spend more time with my family anyway.”
But it seems it was just a set up so he could boss the prime minister about and make her look ridiculous and weak.
“Gove, Boris and myself still hope the magic choosing hat will choose any one of us to be prime minister this year. But we have to keep undermining May until Boris can work out how to u turn on Brexit.”
The incumbent at business, a Mr Clarke, was said to be relieved at Hunt’s strategic cleverness, as he’s already operating at the top of his game in the less prominent ministry, and was terrified of public exposure.
Even though the bed closing ceremonies will go on all week, Hunt says the pressures of office preclude him from closing every bed personally.
“Sadly, I don’t have the time, but not to worry, I’ve outsourced the rest of the closures to a subsidiary of Virgin Health. I had to, otherwise they’d sue!”