Michael Gove has moved to reassure British tea drinkers this weekend that from March 2019 all tea drunk by Britons will be homegrown once more and deeply patriotic.
Appearing on the unbiased Marr programme this morning Gove set out his vision.
“The tyranny of the European Council, working hand in glove with the ECHR, has forced patriotic British patriots to drink inferior, trade protection racket foreign teas for so long,” Mr Gove said, “it’s feared most Britons today have forgotten that prior to our illegal membership of the EU British tea was blue.”
Mr Marr nodded along in a respectful and unbiased manner throughout the interview, only raising his hand a few times to pat Mr Gove on the back.
Questions about how much the new Ministry will cost have not yet been answered,
“I can tell you it won’t be £350M a week!” Mr Gove MP chortled, “only Boris is using that sum now.”
Gove did go on to reveal the new ministry is expected to cost roughly five billion pounds.
“But that will more than be recouped by the sales of excess blue British teas to India, China, Ceylon and Burma.”
It’s thought the British tea drive will be catchphrased ‘Drink for Britain’ and see so many people employed picking tea in the Yorkshire Dales, the success of the northern powerhouse is assured.
“What colour is the tea in your boot sonny?” Gove winked, “that’s what customs officers will be asking people returning to the motherland from April 1st 2019.”
Any tea the wrong colour will be seized and burnt, along with any books.
Drink for Britain and make sure your tea is blue, old fashioned patriot blue grown in blue English soil like it used to be.