The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Rupert Murdoch, has phoned Theresa May and ordered her to see to it that “there’s a great, big farking queue of meat wagons all along Downing Street” to show the people of the U.K. that the NHS is not in crisis.
“This will reassure everyone,” said Handoncock, an aide to deputy PM Theresa May, “if we can spare thirty or forty ambulances, with crews, to sit empty on Downing Street, then there can’t be an NHS crisis, can there? This is all going exactly to plan.”
It’s believed the emergency measure will last until the first day of spring and there are plans to expand the new system.
“We are thinking of placing medical staff inside 10 Downing Street in a A&E department where they will treat visitors to the deputy PM’s office.”
This will inject a bit of much needed fun into the health service.
“Critics have been complaining for some time now that the NHS is too serious and lacks the sort of real life fun you can find on a private island owned by the kind of billionaire that likes to sue the national health service for millions when they miss out on a contract.”
The range of ailments the ‘NHS for fun’ department will treat has been described as ambitious.
“Boris, Gove, Davis, they all need plastic surgery on their noses. Most cabinet ministers can’t fit through normal doorways now, their noses are so long. Others have burnt buttocks from pants fires.”
Damien Green has also expressed support for the measure, in the hope of receiving much needed eye treatment for a mysterious ailment that seems to strike whenever he is alone with his taxpayer funded laptop.
But what about the deputy PM? What would she seek treatment for?
“Tin man syndrome,” Handoncock advises, “she watches the Wizard of Oz constantly in the hope of learning how to get a heart. But she never makes it all the way to the end as I always turn it off because I don’t want a cure for my own cardiac condition because everything is going to plan. Here, how would you like to pay for your minor surgery today? Card or loan?”