LCD Views can report there is disquiet in the ranks at the Ministry of Defence today with the news that Theresa May has appointed the Duke of York her new tsar of military fitness.
“Gavin is well cheesed off,” our insider whispered down the line,
“he’s still got his black book from his time as chief whip, I reckon he’ll be getting it out and giving the Maybot a call. He fancied putting the infantry through their paces himself while wearing a Spider-Man outfit. He’s stepped it up from a pet tarantula now he’s the boss of bombs.”
It appears the Duke himself is not best pleased either.
“He’s worried old family traits will come through the moment he gets the men under his command and it’ll just be marching up and down hills all day from then on. When all he really wants to be doing is pursuing his hobby of lobbying conservative MPs on behalf of oil rich states listed in Amnesty International’s bad book”
Further upset is likely to come with increased spending restraints at the MoD meaning that it will be unlikely the Duke will even have 10,000 men to march about with.
“They’ll all be armed with Brown Bessie’s though, thanks to cutbacks, the museum cupboards at most barracks are being prized open as we speak and old kit dusted off so Putin knows we’re ready for him, in or out of the EU. So there will be an air of authenticity when the Duke goes on parade.”
There has been support for the appointment from an unexpected quarter though.
Toby Young, the new head of ideologically reshaping universities to agree with eugenics and bigotry against people who don’t have as good a dad as Toby, has lent his support to the appointment.
“Maybe Andy will take me to meet some dictator of a former soviet state who likes the wet work?” Toby tweeted,
“then I can finally meet someone I can feel morally superior to as I set about introducing competition and commercial bias into higher education. I feel a little giddy. Now show me your tits!”