Brexit Dad Figel Narage has taken this bold step as part of his patriotic duty to Brexit Britain. He believes that he embodies the values that once made Britain great.
“I responded initially to an appeal for volunteers in the Daily Mail,” Narage revealed. “Help out our hard-pressed public servants and take back control! Well, how could I resist?”
Narage showed the cutting to LCD’s Elementary Deception Correspondent. It contained grandiose phrases, reminiscent of wartime propaganda. “Volunteer for Britain!” “Our country’s greatest resource is YOU!” “Back the Daily Mail’s campaign to put vital funds back into the NHS!”
With immigration high on the political agenda, Narage decided that he must do his bit to stem the tide of freeloaders coming to suckle at Great Britain’s teat. To his surprise, his offer to take over customs responsibilities at Heathrow was accepted.
“The golden age of the gifted amateur is coming back,” said a clearly delighted Narage. “This is what Michael Gove meant when he said we have had enough of experts. I have a plan that is simple enough for a small child to understand.”
Narage has decided that there will be no customs control whatsoever for those leaving Britain. “There’s no need,” he said. “Leave means Leave. The country in overpopulated as it is. It’s not our problem any more.”
Conversely, in order to enter Britain, there will be two lines: blue passports, and immigration control. “Anyone with a true blue passport will be welcomed home and waved through. The rest will be interrogated, physically and almost certainly internally. There are hundreds of Daily Mail readers queueing up to volunteer for interrogation duties.”
Narage reckons his new streamlined system will solve the immigration crisis and save £350m per week for the NHS, or just possibly for tax cuts for Daily Mail readers. “It’s simple, and win-win,” boasted Narage, “just like Brexit itself. It’s a Black and White Brexit.”
Which just about sums up Narage’s immigration policy.