The country’s universities are a step closer to being incubators of just and right thought today as the government announced its plans for the Great University Reform Bill, which will ban the use of bad words like “remain” and “history”.
“Free speech means you are free to speak on behalf of the government,” Jo Johnson MP, the author of the bill, told a very sympathetic old timer on Radio 4’s devout Today programme.
“It’s been shown since the referendum that the country’s universities are refusing to do their patriotic victory and agree with Nigel Farage. We’re just not going to tolerate it. And this also gives me some exposure. My brother is a total hog. I’m sick of being asked, and what do you do? I legislate the way people think. That’s what I do.”
It’s believed the new powers, which will be enforced by an entirely balanced watchdog composed entirely of Conservakip members, and Kate Hoey, will scrutinise all university lectures prior to their being given.
“We’ve managed to hobble the BBC over the last few years by threats against their funding, and by making them obsessed with chasing ratings rather than dedicating their news output as a bullwalk against bias.
We’ve managed to get our private schools paid for with taxpayers’ money with the free school initiative, which saves us a lot of the political inconvenience we used to suffer from exclusive education.
The upcoming social cost of segregating generations in schools on religious grounds will be someone else’s problem.
Now we just have to bully, by way of financial threats, the already sensibly reformed, along business models, universities with financial threats unless they allow visiting KKK economic wizards to speak to young people whose minds are too full of facts nowadays, and we’ll be well on the way to controlling all the thought of the country in distracted service to our tax havens.”
While many are sympathetic to a push back against no-platforming, it’s perhaps unwise to trust a government committed to an agenda based on the dissemination of lies to legislate for reform.
Maybe they can go a little further and have rolling tapes of Nigel Farage lecturing on his idea of WW2 in dorms and canteens, just for balance? It would a useful way to combat the rot caused in patriotic feelings by critical thinking.
“Once universities are talking about the glory to come of finally being able to trade internationally with a blue passport in hand, and only with countries whose human rights record government ministers envy, we’ll know we’re well on the way to making a tangible success of Brexit.”