The Home Office has moved to quell concerns that the new patriot blue passports to be issued upon the founding of Brexitlandia are just a bit of empty symbolism to appeal to the credulous.
Oh, and it will be difficult to follow the instructions for their correct, patriotic use.
“From 11pm 29th March 2019 strict new guidelines will be in place to guide Brexitlandians on the loyal and patriotic use of blue passports for employment in the rare circumstances anyone should wish to leave the only country God cares about and travel across the English Channel to enemy states,” Ramber Udd, speaking for the government informed LCD.
A sample of the one thousand and one new rules is provided below. It’s easy to memorise. It is your duty to do so.
1. Holders of patriot blue passports must express a sincere joy at their possession at all times.
The mere loss of freedom to travel, work, love, settle, receive healthcare and feel a sense of community with approximately half a billion people of varied backgrounds on a continent that was previously famous for slaughtering each other on grounds of nationality and religion will be as nothing compared with the joy of possessing a patriotic Brexitlandian passport.
2. Any individual wishing to leave the hallowed soil of this island nation that has always been guarded against the sea from alien invasion, with the exception of the first nomadic hunter gatherers and then farmers, and Romans, Saxons, Scandinavians, French and all the rest which have combined over millennia to compose the Brexitlandians and make them a special people sanctified under God, will have to attend an interview with Boris Johnson and have a bloody good reason for wanting to leave. Visiting a tax haven will be the only reason that allows immediate approval to travel.
3. A telephone book of forms will of necessity have to be filled out to obtain a temporary exit visa.
4. A dependent child will need to be lodged as security against flight before any Brexitlandian will be allowed to leave Brexitlandia.
Individuals are encouraged not to kidnap children from neighbouring villages and present as their own as all individuals will be photographed in biometric black and white and placed on a family tree kept by the Patriotic Office of Internal Citizens Who Love Only Brexit, so there will be no point in trying to escape, if you love your children.
It will be best to memorise the rules before applying for an exit visa.
Citizens are encouraged not to worry if they do not currently have dependent children, as only individuals with dependent children will be allowed to apply for a temporary exit visa.
This is to guard against unpatriotic flight of young, educated, fertile citizens who should stay home and breed for Brexitlandia.
5. “It should be noted also, that people returning from enemy territory will be required to record a short video tape explaining how horrible and degraded they found France.”
It will be best to endorse English cheese over enemy cheese and to swear blind English Sparkling Wine was the inspiration for the lesser, enemy varieties.
6. You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave.
Apply for your passport today and begin learning the guidelines, so you can be reassured your children will be returned upon your return to home.