The words “vulnerable,” “entitlement,” “diversity,” “transgender,” “fetus,” “evidence-based” and “science-based” have been vetoed. The reason is rumoured to be that President Trump understands none of these words.
In fact, all words longer than one syllable have been proscribed to aid transparency. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) have worked long and hard to determine whether or not the word “science” counts as a single syllable. In the end, it was decided that the synonym “smart stuff” should be employed instead.
The CDC issued a press release. It read: “Polysyllabic lexicography is henceforth prohibited within interdepartmental communications appertaining to the Presidential entourage.” The White House was sent a modified statement, which read: “We will just use short words from now on.”
The White House naturally viewed this as a triumph. “Us small town folk don’t get no long words,” declared President Trump to an audience of adoring fans. “We like stuff that goes straight to the point. No crap. I say it once more, don’t give no crap to the White House! No more Fake News! Great!”
The audience of over a million people raised the roof of the 300-seater auditorium. Some audience members spoke to LCD’s Extreme Bullshit Correspondent afterwards. “Trump’s just great, ain’t he?” said one. “Cut the crap! That’s what we all want from the so called smart guys.” Another remarked, “I love it when Trump says long words like ‘bigly’ and ‘covfefe’. It makes him sound like he knows stuff! I’m a straight man, but I love him so much that I want to have kids with him!”
The CDC’s spokesman revealed that the complex issues of sexual orientation and gender identity will, in future, be referred to by using the phrase “He’s a bit Boy George, know what I mean, nudge nudge, wink wink”.
And the moral of the story? “Don’t use bigly words where short ones are more covfefe.”