LCD Views can report this morning that the spike in Expedia searches for “best location to go into political asylum?” is rumoured to be the result of internet use by two hardworking public officials and their friends.
“It’s not the actions of Russian bots,” LCD’s Sunny Climes analyst advises, “this is definitely the action of real people conducting real searches.”
The analyst can tell this because the searches appear to be conducted at two key moments.
Firstly, when people are usually on the toilet with a smartphone and secondly, any time any media organisation runs a story linking the public figures more closely to a certain high earning, well known character actor from Russia who likes to donate time and energy to the exotic causes he believes in.
“The big problem seems to be each time they search for a hotel somewhere in the Russian Federation the result says rooms are either ‘unavailable’ or ‘fully booked’.”
It’s believed the Ecuadorean embassy was traditionally a good place for such short breaks, only one holidaymaker booked in for a weekend years ago and is yet to check out.
“I hear they’ve also been madly checking out the best priced Russian language lessons and making dozens of profiles on dating sites popular with hot, young blonde Russian women who desire ‘virile, manly, Western man with lots of opportunities who may or may not work on a zero hours contract for the Kremlin.”
Inquiries as to why they are so far unable to reserve a room in Moscow or Sochi or somewhere like that, just met with gales of laughter.
“You keep your useful idiots close, but only an amateur keeps them that close.”