“To get Britain fit for the future we will need slogans and scapegoats unequalled in modern times…”
So begins the chancellor’s budget 2017 speech to the now very common house later today, as revealed only in LCD Views, thanks to our mole in the treasury.
LCD will not be providing line by line scrutiny of the budget, as most of it is likely to be terrified bollocks from a man judged as one of the only sane ones in the current conservative cabinet, and thus expected to be politically butchered by the Brexit fanatics any minute of any day. Although he’ll take one or two with him we fancy…
We will though give you some of the tasty lines of his new fictional pamphlet, because it’s not every day a reclusive writer like ‘the undertaker’ publishes. So let’s see out of curiosity!
“Brexit means Wrecxit. A red, white and silly Brexit. Coalition of chaos. And now, a Britain so fit for the future you can’t see it sideways in a shower, are all vital parts of attempting to convince ourselves that economic suicide, of the type we have doggedly embarked upon, is the best choice for Britain.”
But slogans can only carry a country bent to the will of disaster capitalists by useful MPs, from across the political divide, so far.
“In order to prepare for the changes of paying the European Union billions to re-home large chunks of our highest performing sectors Britain requires a scapegoat as large as the divide between north and south in our great country.
Also, and let’s be clear on this, as deep as the deepest coal pit closed the last time a Conservative government went ideologically apesh*t crazy with the country.
In order to provide this goat to scape your government will be borrowing billions from payday loan providers to fund research and development into this crucial capacity for today and tomorrow.”
And we commend this budget to the house. For about five minutes. Until the tax u turns begin.