The Conservative Party is facing embarrassing calls today from health campaigners who are calling for a recall of celebratory Conservative Crackers on the grounds that every single one contains nuts.
“It’s not true,” a sales rep who works for both Rupert Murdoch and Con HQ responded, “Anna Soubry, Ken Clarke, Dominic Grieve and some others are surprisingly non-nutty.”
The rep went on to say that they actually want to recall the non-nutty Conservative biscuits and re-issue them with nuts inside.
It’s easy to see why they are resistant too.
The Crackers, which were initially packaged in purple and yellow bags, have sold surprisingly well in areas of the country, so much so that the party has already redesigned the packaging to be the standard Tory wrappings.
“The recipe is an old Conservative family favourite anyway. Of course, we trialled it as a supposedly unrelated product, but that was more stalking horse than biscuit.”
But health campaigners are adamant that over consumption of the crackers can lead to a variety of symptoms, not just declining fiscal forecasts.
Consumers are also at risk of symptoms such as,
Impotent fury. Verbal diarrhoea. Nationalistic tendencies that harm international reputation. Being left out of popular clubs. And loss of jobs in a trickle to become a flow across the channel.
“I tried one once,” one of the campaigners confessed, off the record, “but it was so hard I broke a crown.”
LCD Views understands that opinion is less coherent inside the party as to what to do about the recall, with some serious handbags at dawn occurring, but the party is doing their best to conceal the indigestion.
Asked for comment a spokesman for the Workers Party replied,
“You should try our biscuits instead. They still contain the major ingredient nowadays, brexit oats, but they’re flavoured with unicorn meal.”
Whatever happened to good, old fashioned digestives? That’s what we’d like to know.