The economic undertaker produced a sobering prediction for the citizens of the thoroughly United Kingdom today with the budget forecast that everyone in Britain will be getting smaller in the coming years.
LCD Views spoke to a leading nutritionist to find out the root cause.
“Vegetables,” Professor Pot Ato declared, “we are turning into a nation of vegetables. Have you seen any root vegetable as tall as a giraffe? Too much time in the dark. Not enough foliage.”
This stark forecast reverses a trend of Britons gaining in stature year on year for many years.
“We’ll be too small to sit on any international tribunals before too long. And forget going for items on the high shelves, the prestige stuff, without a ladder. Best look in your grandparent’s shed and see if they’ve one stashed. Or your parents may have one hidden under the bed.”
But how to turn it around?
“Stop watching reality TV and go for a run would be a good start. Eat more vegetables. Try and vary your diet, if you haven’t already. Not so much of that rubbish they advertise in the tabloids. Get some fibre in. Food with research behind it.”
Is there anything the Chancellor could do with his calculator to have an immediate impact?
“He could scrap the billions he’s setting aside for that national identity scheme for one. Put it into nutrition and schools. But I doubt he’ll do it. Most of his colleagues survive on junk food. There would be a revolt.”
Scrapping the new national identity scheme does seem controversial. The current government has staked its entire survival on turning everyone into a Saint George flag, in spite of the protests of some minor voices outside England.
“We could just accept it. Bury ourselves in the dark like seed potatoes and see what we grow into?” the professor mused, surprisingly, “but for that to work we’re going to have to absorb an outrageous amount of shit. And personally I can’t stomach it.”