Philip Hammond is rumoured to be setting aside £5.34 in Wednesday’s budget to buy and re-purpose the big red bus used in the EU ref campaign to spray the United Kingdom with a financial truth bomb and turn it into a mobile food bank.
LCD Views spoke to lead campaigner for this latest example of caring Conservatism to learn more about this initiative, even though it seems rather extravagant in a country with full employment.
“We aim to find the only hungry person in England and feed him,” Mr Johnson enthused, “once we’ve done that we will drive to Wales and repeat the miracle.”
It’s believed an entire new government ministry is to be established to administer the bus on its journey around the country at a minor cost of whatever it is we spend on Liam Fox’s vanity project currently.
It’s thought Mr Gove and Mr Davis are also competing to lead the automotive charge to fill the last hungry belly in the nation.
“After seven years of sound fiscal management everyone is filthy rich,” Mr Gove phoned our editor to assert, “the last hungry person is the fault of the last Labour government. They really did destroy life as we know it.Thank God we’re here.”
People will be encouraged to donate to the bus as a symbol of how united the country now is.
All donations can be made via increasing food costs and routed to high worth individuals via decreasing rates of corporation tax and other measures too boring to mention, then funnelled away to tax havens, where the food grows.
“We will be encouraging ordinary, hardworking, patriotic Britons to come out on the streets and wave the flag as the bus passes.”
It’s believed to get the full effect of being in the presence of the bus it is advised to stand really close to the exhaust and inhale.
“If you’re lucky, a little bit of the hot air and gas you inhale will once have belonged to Boris Johnson.”
Flags to wave can be purchased via an operation run out of Crimea. Get yours today!