The latest outrageous claim from the Animal Kingdom dares to suggest that lower life forms, such as politicians, are incapable of feeling, well, anything.
A paltry attempt at self-justification was made by spokes-animal Y. Lee Fox. “It’s quite clear that these creatures are incapable of emotion,” said Mr Fox. “One glance at their record on welfare, for example, is enough to tell you that!”
Other animals joined the baying mob. “They think that they can hunt us!” exclaimed K. Charles Spaniel. “The country’s going to the dogs.”
It is clearly a man-bites-dog story, suggested LCD’s Primates And Other Mammals Correspondent. “Not at all,” retorts Mr Spaniel. “It’s barking mad to suggest that this is in any way unusual. The mutineers must be muzzled.”
The big beasts have been rolled out to confront angry human rights campaigners. “This is not really news at all,” trumpeted Nellie D. Elephant. “You guys have been too busy flapping your big ears in your ivory towers. My good friend and colleague Donald Tusk assures me that there is nothing to get hot under the collar about.” And off she went with a Trumpety Trump.
The protestors, small rodents in the main, were not convinced in the least. “They have pulled this stunt before,” claimed spokes-rabbit Bunny Hopps. “Think of the poor Mays, Goves and Johnsons, whom we injure daily with our cruel jibes. But the Animal Kingdom refuses to take us seriously. We have a mole on the inside who believes they will rat on any deal we make.”
Meanwhile, in secret “black labs”, it is believed that highly-qualified owls are running experiments upon live humans. LCD Views believes that these poor creatures are subjected to animal behaviours and habits. Some subjects are fed catnip, others made to spend all day running inside a wheel. Still more are obliged to poo in the garden and lick their own bottoms clean.
After all, they are only human.