Prime Minister Theresa May is outraged at the suggestions that Boris Johnson and Michael Gove are trying to control her. “It’s me pulling the strings, not them,” she reportedly snapped, when asked who was actually running the country.
Gove appeared recently on the Andrew Marr Show, and denied all knowledge of Johnson’s latest gaffe. This seems to be his modus operandi – “I know nothing!” Worryingly these two most inexpert characters have been discovered actually pulling the strings behind the scenes.
Gove repeated the phrase “I know nothing!” over and over again. He only shut up when it was pointed out that he sounded like a famous TV character.
LCD’s Rat-Smelling correspondent paid a visit to Johnson’s office, and discovered him hastily concealing a book entitled “Marionettes Made Easy”. Boris proceeded to charm the pants off your correspondent with an eloquent speech comprised of Latin, random Shakespearian quotes and gibberish.
May may be keeping her enemies too close. Machiavelli’s Guide to Political Brinkmanship and Empty Rhetoric recommends an optimum distance of one arm’s length. Johnson and Gove are close enough to see the whites of her eyes behind her blackout shades.
The curtain is raised, and the motley cast of unsavoury characters prepares to act out their eternal struggle.
And so the puppet show commences. The Constable and the Foreigner are swiftly removed by the swingeing club of Mr Punch (as played by Johnson). Judy (May) takes repeated blows, while parroting empty slogans. The puppeteer makes her jerk around in a wooden fashion.
Streams of Foreigners invade the stage, and are repelled by a string of pork sausages. Judy remains standing – just.
A quick peek backstage reveals the hand of a master puppeteer controlling the entire show. The tragicomedy approaches its climax, and the great God-like Puppet Master smiles. He showers the captivated audience with bile and venom, and smiles again as they beg for more.
A quick pull on a couple of strings, and Mr Punch’s club is raised to apply the coup de grace.
That’s the way to do it!