LCD Views has received an exclusive today that noted British man and global explorer Iain Duncan Smith is to be turned into a giant cheese wheel to make it easier to wheel him out in times of crisis.
“It won’t be a difficult procedure,” Dr Sandy Hamm reassured, “Iain is already kept in a temperature controlled room and fed on a reassuring diet of post-its that say universal credit is making everyone richer. We’ll just have to scrape a bit of mold off one of the walls and put it on his head and wait.”
After that Iain will be duplicated in a clone laboratory already used to make new Brexiters, wrapped up in wax and kept close to the BBC’s Broadcasting House.
“We will probably need to buy a fleet of cold storage units to keep all the IDS cheese wheels in so there’s always one near to the Today programme the next time a government minister gets caught out doing something that should get them immediately sacked but never seems to.”
The Iain wheels will also be considered for entry into any famous cheese rolling festivals going on, so long as there’s not a post Brexit famine at the time.
“That’s a bit trickier. If there’s a Brexit famine going and someone takes a bite out of him it could lead to a condition akin to an intestinal virus.”
That condition is already well known as Irritable Duncan Syndrome.
It develops rapidly and the symptoms aren’t any fun, but it usually passes within 24 hours once Iain is put back in storage.