Iain Duncan Smith has all the attributes necessary, you would have thought. Heartless, and allegedly part android, his audition was expected to be a shoo-in.
However, the director, Grant Favours, explained that IDS just wouldn’t do. “He lacks the necessary emotion,” Favours elaborated. “No pathos, no empathy. Ironically there was no heart to his performance.”
The first choice Cowardly Lion, Boris Johnson, has also been dropped. Although very little make-up was required, Boris insisted on ad-libbing lines such as ‘We’re off to see the wizard, I mean goodness, that’s no way to describe a fellow, such flummery and flibbertigibbet, I mean, he may be a bit discombobulated, but come on! What do you mean, “Cut!”?’
Dorothy was being played quite adequately, until recently, by Priti Patel. Unfortunately, having tarnished her good-girl image, Patel was deemed unsuitable. Theresa May is hoping to re-audition. “Unfortunately, Theresa is far too wooden,” remarked Favours. “She will retain the part of Dorothy’s house in Kansas.”
By contrast, the role of the scarecrow with no brains had no end of candidates. “The number of straw men auditioning is incredible,” says Favours, “but Jeremy C. Hunt was the outstanding choice.”
Similarly popular was the part of the Wicked Witch of the West. Despite strong opposition from the ghost of Margaret Thatcher, the Witch will actually be played by Andrea Leadsom.
Other parts are more settled. The munchkins will be played by whichever backbenchers can be arsed to turn up. The Wizard of Oz is being played by the personification of Brexit himself, Nigel Farage.
Meanwhile, the man charged with turning vision into reality, David Davis, believes that he is doing a fantastic job. Despite there being no visible progress, Davis insists that the scenery will be completed, the hall booked, and publicity organised, simply by tapping his heels together three times.
The part of Toto is to be taken by Jeremy Corbyn.