Unverified reports out of Westminster this afternoon suggest that fearless Secretary of State David Davis has been injured in a freak shoelace tying incident.
LCD Views sent our ‘loads of cobblers’ correspondent down to the House of Commons to learn more.
“I am stood here with the bustling press pack hoping someone will be able to get me inside the Houses of Commons, or, failing that take pity on me and let me copy their notes.”
So he’s not up to much, so we phoned one of our sources instead.
“He was attempting to tie his shoelaces I believe,” Ms U Seless, who claims to be a junior minister in DExEU told us, “as he’s been taking lessons for a while now. He really felt he was up to it. But I guess not.”
Ms Seless went on to describe how from what she had gathered from unsubstantiated rumours, Mr Davis believed he had managed the task, but was unaware he had tied the laces of both shoes to one another.
“When he tried to walk he just toppled over and lay on the carpet looking mortified and asking if anyone knew how he could get out of the shoes.”
Apparently he was clutching all the Brexit impact assessments when it happened and they were scattered about the room.
“This is going to delay the release of the impact assessments by days probably. He’s got to work out how to sit up, work out how to untie the ferocious granny knot his laces are caught in and then get about the room collecting all the papers. It’s going to be monumental.”
As to how they are going to prevent a repetition of the incident, luckily the plucky MP has an idea.
“I reckon we put him in velcro shoes, at least until this Brexit fiasco is finished. It means a lot of wasted money on the shoelace tying course, but, we desperately want to get those Brexit impact reports out to the whole of parliament and the public as soon as we can!”
LCD Views has decided to start a fundraiser to purchase the suitable shoes. We’ll let you know when it’s live. The future is at stake! Our secretaries of state must learn how to walk so they can run!