Archaeologists working with wonder lasers have successfully burned a tunnel through the hard shell of the Great Pyramid of Giza to access a mysterious void deep inside the famous landmark and discover what secrets it holds.
“It’s simply amazing,” Prof Knot Reel enthused to LCD Views’ second best historical correspondent.
“You know, in the old days, it would take us months to get this far into an ancient building. But these lasers? Wow.
No more messing about with toothbrushes and trowels. Thank God.
I used to be so envious when I watched Time Team on television and saw them rip off feet of dirt with diggers, seemingly without a care. But now I have this laser gun!”
We agreed the new technology was very good at burning through the millennia thick crust that obscures the good stuff.
“You aren’t worried about the curse of the pharaoh?”
“Why would I be with this puppy? How well do you think a zombie mummy is going to fare against a laser? A toothbrush and a trowel? Yeah. You were in trouble before, unless you can run fast. Let’s get in and see what’s inside, shall we?”
We did.
The tunnel burned into the pyramid’s mass was still a little smokey. Still glowing a bit. But with only superficial burns we arrived at a void that had heard no human heart beat for 1,000’s of years.
“Look!” Prof Knot exclaimed. “It’s a plastic wrapped booklet. It must be the last thoughts of that fellow wrapped up and shoved in the corner over there.”
The fellow was presumably a previously unknown pharaoh.
“You can’t buy class,” Prof Reel commented. “Too much bling on him for my liking. Imagine turning up at the local looking like that? Flash jack.”
“Let’s have a look in the bag doc.”
“Okay.”
Cheerfully our second best correspondent (now our third, we’ve hired) assisted the professor in ripping away the outer cover to get at the papyrus inside.
“You’re kidding me.”
What? Quickly!
“The Pyramid is supposed to be a fucking square.”
“Are you sure?”
“Look at these, these are the assembly instructions. It’s all here. Look at the cover picture. It’s supposed to be a big square. And look, against your foot, there’s two spare screws there. They just knocked it together, got to what they thought was the end of the build and shrugged at clear red flags that said go back, try again.”
Sod that.
“No wonder they covered their faces. How embarrassing. Build all these pyramids only to discover they should have been squares? Cripes.”
So the ancient Egyptians were just your basic family struggling to put together a bloody flat pack cabinet?
“Maybe not a cabinet. This could perhaps have been a chest of drawers? Like they have at Skara Brae.”
Analysis of the stone suggests it was quarried in Sweden. A sales booklet has since been found in the pocket of the chap in the corner, confirming the hypothesis that IKEA was established thousands of years earlier than initially believed.
More revelations from the void as they come to light, if the laser doesn’t burn them to dust first.