The UK government has responded quickly to the defeat in the Commons last night with a decision to release the Brexit impact studies via a controlled explosion in an isolated field.
“We are complying with the result of the vote,” Mr B Umble, spokesbot for DExEU told press lizards lounging outside the chamber. “Even though it was an opposition motion and we really don’t pay any attention to anything since June 23rd 2016, when time stopped.”
It’s believed the reason for releasing the 58 studies in this manner is because if someone actually reads them it could be disastrous for our Brexit negotiating strategy. Especially if someone in government reads them.
“We’re not too concerned with what the British people think, enough of them appear to be sufficiently deluded to persist with Brexit, even though we already know it is likely a catastrophically stupid thing to do with no discernible gain except a boom time for the slogan and tax dodging industries.”
It’s believed a special army bomb disposal unit is already on the way to Westminster to take charge of all copies of the reports and race them to a secret location on Salisbury plain, just next to Stonehenge, where they will be surrounded by dynamite and blown up.
“With any luck people will just think the giant fireball rising into the sky is a bunch of rebellious teenagers larking about with too many firecrackers.”
Should any of the papers survive the explosion and float singed into your garden you are advised to pretend they are not there and let slugs and snails erase the words in due course.
“We are alerting the NHS to be on standby. If by some terrible cock up a report lands in the lap of a member of the public in a legible form and they read it, it could lead to some sort of reverse zombie apocalypse where everyone comes to life at once and masses on Westminster Green filled with a rage we won’t be able to alleviate. We will need mass sedation, preferably via some sort of aerosol.”
But the greatest concern is that an actual politician may read one of the reports and realise their legacy is going to be an eyewateringly stupid act of self harm.
“Personally I think we should evacuate England and lift off into orbit and nuke the whole place. It’s the only way to be sure no one ever sees what a bunch of absolute, dissembling con artists the Brexit politicians are.
Either way, the reports will soon be ashes and dust, hopefully before no member of government has read them!”