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BREAKING : PM commits to immediate public inquiry into Russian interference in U.K. elections

IS IT SECRET IS IT SAFE : Downing Street has declared today that it is no longer satisfactory to allow sleeping dogs to lie on the porch of British democracy, they will be made to tell the truth instead.

“We’re going to look underneath every single one of them and get to the truth,” a 10 Downing Street source declared. “The Prime Minister has ordered the immediate establishment of an independent inquiry into Russian interference in UK democracy. No stone will be left unturned.”

The decision will surprise many who have been worried about the safety of the British electoral process, ever since everything started evidentially going to shit, right before our eyes.

“It is no longer acceptable to allow money from any source, not just Russia, to flood into the British political establishment and potentially subvert the sanctity of the democracy. We must recall that Westminster is the Mother of Parliaments and move to defend her.”

The about turn is welcome with the Johnson administration previously on the end of stern criticism for the refusal to even look for interference.

“It is highly likely that many of our recent elections and referendums are compromised, both by malevolent actors from Russia and of course America. We believe the flood of dark money must be dammed. If necessary all MPs who have received money from abroad, even if it was technically legal, will be made to repay the sums.”

The findings of the inquiry will be made public and there will be no redaction.

“We must face what we allowed to happen to our country on our watch. We must be brave and face our weakness. How else can we expect to recover?”

The inquiry is expected to conclude before the end of the summer.

“It seems obvious that we have no bloody idea what is going on in the UK anymore as it steadily moves towards self-immolation. Mr Johnson will not stand for this. He is a modern Churchill. He will now have his finest shower.”

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BREAKING Downing Street : £100bn prize for scientist who can bring back the Dodo!

WHAT’S COOKING IN YOUR SHED : AMATEUR HOUR FOR SCIENTISTS has just got a lot more exciting today after the announcement of a £100bn prize to encourage the natural innovation of Britons.

‘The Dodo’ is a new prize established today by Downing Street which aims to put British ingenuity and smarts back “on the map”.

The first task to be set Global Britons is one of self reflection.

“Just as the British Empire is not dead, so long as we refuse to see the setting sun, so too there is no reason why Brits can’t revive a much loved, but sadly long lost, family pet.”

The pet in question is the The Dodo, a bird still popular in the imagination of all natural born English men and women, long after the last one was eaten by a natural born Englishman.

“Everyone can enter,” a 10 Downing Street source says. “Just pop along to the Dodo contest website and download the application form and a sample of Dodo DNA. Then get into your kitchen and let the alchemy takeover.”

To encourage participation the winner will not only receive a cash prize equivalent to a standard non-tender PPE contract, but they will see their newborn flightless bird become the standard bearer for Brexitannia!

“We thought about reinventing the wheel with Brexit, but in the end we just decided to break it. But by resurrecting the Dodo and shouting about it to the world everyone will know what the United Kingdom now stands for! Even if we don’t!”

Enter today! You’re just one dead bird away from being as wealthy as a Tory Party donor during a plague!

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Downing Street report on Fatherhood finds Boris Johnson is the best example of a father

FATHERLAND : Go Daddy Go! It’s official, Boris Johnson is the best example of a possible it is father to find in the Kingdom United. And there’s nothing front to back it about!

“We’re all just gushing inside,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “His current alleged bit on the side, his girlfriend, his mistress, the woman who he sees quarterly, the ladies at that villa in Tuscany. his most recent fiancée and his ex-wives could not agree more. You know what tipped the scales?”

Don’t keep us in suspenders! What?

“It is said he let a donor pay for gold sheet for the nursery walls. I mean, what a dad? Most dad’s can’t be bothered with all the hassle of arranging the kickback, allegedly.”

The decision to declare Mr Johnson as the greatest example of fathering in the United Kingdom was apparently rather easy too.

“He had a committee of Downing Street staff investigate. Set it up and let them get on with it. Like he does with most of his offspring. You can’t stick around when you’ve got so much fathering to do, in so many houses!”

Did anyone else come into contention?

“Of course! Dominic Cummings came third for doing what any father would do in a pandemic. You know trips up motorways while sick with a potentially lethal virus. Eye tests at speed with your kid strapped in the back. Really outstanding work, like all of his efforts. And Stanley Johnson was the runner up.”

One would have expected that the older Johnson may have taken the gong?

“It was a close call. But no one could decide which country he’d be in when it is time to receive it.”

It’s quite a week for Downing Street.

“Yes. Johnson has solved racism and now he’s the greatest dad, purely by virtue of how many kids he’s gathered, both acknowledged and not.”

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The only person to ever hear Boris Johnson tell the truth destroyed in controlled nuclear explosion

GROUND ZERO : The United Kingdom is advised to sleep easier this evening after irreversible action was taken to protect the Prime Minister.

Shortly after 5am this morning in a subterranean nuclear test facility in Pembrokeshire a small thermonuclear device was detonated with a man strapped to the outside.

The identity of the man has not been made public, but it is understood he was transformed into his component atoms and smashed further. This transformative experience means he will no longer ever be able to talk about what he knows about the prime minister.

“The man will certainly be missed by some, but as his name will now be scrubbed from public record, we are confident that he will soon be forgotten. His dangerous knowledge having gone with him into the afterlife.”

It’s believed the nuclear explosion was necessary because the man was the only keeper of one of the prime minister’s darkest secrets.

“He once heard Boris Johnson tell the truth. Had he ever spoken about the experience it would risk the entire edifice of British politics. The truth is not a commodity valued by the Prime Minister. Should you get an inkling that it is you may begin to expect he should keep to it. This would lead to a rapid failure of a system of governance designed around deception and gaslighting. The man and the nuclear weapon had to have their special moment together.”

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Downing Street report finds Boris Johnson is the greatest bridge builder in the history of the United Kingdom

MENTAL ENGINEERING : THE CHESTS OF BRITONS ARE SWELLING WITH PRIDE today after a completely sincere and honest study found that current Prime Minister Boris Johnson is the greatest bridge builder in the history of the UK.

The study was untaken after some people suggested that he may be the exact opposite of a builder, actually more a wrecker. Someone who just launches feasibility studies for massive projects because that’s a handy way of handing out public money with zero expectation of a return.

“How can he not be the greatest bridge builder?” a 10 Downing Street source demanded. “Just think of the sheer scale of bridges he has suggested. He’s always talking about building them.”

While the bridges are exclusively of the mind, the committee undertaking the study didn’t care about that.

“Tens of millions of taxpayers’ money has been spent conducting feasibility studies and doing up designs. That counts for a lot.”

But critics have suggested that people working for a man who builds no bridges are not best placed to undertake a study of this kind. There is a risk of a lack of impartiality. Especially when the head of the study has previously written a lot about what a great builder Johnson is, even without ever building anything.

“That’s just jealous people talking. I bet they haven’t even built a double decker bus out of empty wine crates, let along suggested building a bridge across the Irish Sea. Slackers. Dead cat producers.”

There was no mention of who the second biggest bridge builder is, because no one else matters in Boris Johnson’s England.

And here, completely unrelated to this article, is a clip of the prime minister refusing to shake hands with two black men at a Conservative Party Conference.

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Boris Johnson self-portrait sells for £2.6m

I DON’T KNOW MUCH ABOUT ART, BUT I KNOW WHAT I LIKE: Infamous wine box painter Boris Johnson has struck again. He has produced a self portrait which had been sold for a world beating sum. 

An anonymous buyer has paid £2.6m for the artwork. It’s current whereabouts are unknown, but rumour places it blu-tacked to the walk-in fridge at 10 Downing Street. 

LCD Views’ Painting Corner correspondent wanted to find out more, and sought an expert in the field. 

“This self portrait is of the Primary School school of art,” claimed art critic Michaelangelo Myarse. “But if you look deeper, there are hidden meanings and some profound symbolism.” 

Go on then, I’ll bite. Please explain further. 

“If you regard the Work with a sufficient degree of rotation, the characteristically ruffled hair takes on the semblance of a bunch of bananas,” explained Myarse. “Here you may infer a moderate curvature, which harks back to Mr Johnson’s struggles with EU regulations. The mere presence of the fruit indicates a deep spiritual growth, the yellow colour is a bold primary shade that demonstrates Mr Johnson’s desire for strength and simplicity.”

But it’s unfinished. You see the outlines of the hair, or bananas, in pencil. It hasn’t even been coloured in properly! 

“That’s the Primary School style,” chided Myarse. “The seemingly sloppy presentation indicates an untrammelled intellect. The most valuable Primary School works are by artists whose refusal to be constrained by an outline shows a desire to think outside the box.” 

It doesn’t even resemble Johnson. 

“It doesn’t have to, that’s the beauty of this school of art,” said Myarse. “The broad smile represents the artist’s great confidence and happy go lucky nature. It is one of the Great Works of the Primary School school, executed with the traditional media of A4 printer paper, clipboard, and child’s paintbox!” 

In other words, it is incredibly expensive tat. Doubtless it will end up in the Brexit Museum. 

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Position of PM’s mistress to become a cabinet position and not reverse cowgirl as expected

GIG ECONOMY POSITION : DOWNING STREET has moved to pour oil over troubled waters today regarding the ongoing furore over Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s serial infidelity.

Some dour and prudish types have suggested that a man who is prepared to cheat on a wife undergoing cancer treatment may not be best suited for high office? Happily for Mr Johnson he rules over Brexitannia, so moral standards don’t matter.

“We are moving to quell the ongoing chatter as it’s very distracting for the prime minister when he’s making model buses out of empty wine crates,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “And once the position of the PM’s mistress is a cabinet one then no one can say that whoever it is today is being paid inappropriately from public money. They’ll even get a pension and full job security, well, until the weekly reshuffle of the post.”

The move to make the position a full cabinet one does also show there is an aspirational quality to gig economy jobs.

“Zero hours contract? Random remuneration, but potentially large windfalls for services rendered? Could become an actual member of the government? Why not be a mistress? It’s part of Mr Johnson’s work as a feminist.”

The job title will be Secretary of State for Screwing the Prime Minister, which will see it eagerly sought after by a whole selection of much younger women with interesting friends.

“It needs to be a cabinet position too, as the mistress to the PM can be presumed to have significant political influence.”

The decision is a shock though to some who expected the position to be reverse cowgirl, or any other position found after consulting famous ministerial guide, the Kama Sutra.

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Farage to spend day shouting at Brits returning from Spain to go back where they came from

FAILED HUMAN STATE : HUMAN SEWER, NIGEL FARAGE, is rumoured to be looking for which beach to stand on to face off against thousands of unwanted immigrants expected to hit the shores of Blighty any day now.

It’s well known the UK is full and it can’t take anymore pressure on its health and social care systems, in spite of the sterling efforts of the Johnson government to lessen demand over the last year. Just one look at the estates of the landed gentry alone, and the mass of unoccupied properties in the country, confirms the fullness.

Foreign money doesn’t use London property to reputation wash itself just to have to rent it to whinging Poms coming back from Spain. Or anyone for that matter.

“Bog off we’re full!” someone claiming to be an aide to Mr Farage wrote to us in Cyrillic, although we have helpfully translated. “That’s the message Farage is going to send to these bloody immigrants, coming over here, expecting us to speak their language and sell their food. It’s not on. They’ll probably order beers in foreign too. Dos cervezas, por favor, or some other silly language. It’s not on. SPEAK ENGLISH.”

The immigrants raising Farage’s ire are of course the Brexit voters who now have to return from Spain, having failed to apply for residency in time.

“There are some English that Mr Farage is very keen to remain in the EU,” the aide added. “It’s the ones that are going to be bloody angry when they realise they can still get their daily fry-up, but forever now it’s going to be in the pissing English rain! They may even blame Farage and he’s not having it! Avoiding accountability for the disasters that result from their grifting is what populists do best”

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Nobody in the UK interested that the PM paid for sex out of the public purse then lied about it

SPAFFING MONEY UP THE WALL: The news has broken that absolutely nobody is interested in a Prime Ministerial scandal. Neither is anyone interested that Boris Johnson allegedly lied about the alleged affair.

The fact that it’s our money he spaffed on, well, spaffing (allegedly), is also of no concern to the Great British Public.

“If it was important it would be on the BBC, innit?” enquired member of the public Willie Notice. “And it’s not on the BBC. So it never happened, right?”

Notice has a point. The BBC is there to report the news robustly, fairly and accurately, after all.

“If there was any truth in it, innit,” he continued. “It would be first item on the news, know what I mean? If Boris really shagged that bird and paid for it with our money, and lied about it after, that’s just the sort of thing the BBC would report, yes? So it never happened. Stands to reason, innit.”

There is the suggestion that the BBC is under orders not to report any news that could damage the Prime Minister or his government.

“Well, yeah, the BBC’s gone a bit shit these days, man, innit,” Notice conceded. “But think of it like this. What’s the story? Bloke shags bird, bloke spends money on bird, bloke lies about shagging bird, bloke puts it all on expenses. That is just a bloke being a bit of a geezer, innit?”

But it’s the Prime Minister. And it’s your money he spaffed. Then he lied about it. Allegedly. Do you want that man as your Prime Minister?

“Don’t care,” said Notice. “To be honest, if I was Prime Minister, I would do the same. Who cares about governing. I’m the flippin’ PM! Never mind Get Brexit Done, let’s get some serious shagging done!”

Johnson has been caught with his pants down. Unsurprisingly, as his pants are on fire.

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Back to the office, says man who hasn’t done an honest day’s work in his life

BACK TO SKOOL: It’s time to get back into the office. Just as the schools break up.

This is possibly to minimise contact between covid-carrying children and their unvaccinated parents. Or possibly just another screw up from a man who has a strong grasp on himself but on precious little else.

We as a grateful nation are delighted to take our lead from a man who claims to work night and day, but punctuates this with power naps. And we admire a man who thinks that “work” means “dressing up in hi viz while breaking the essential travel ban”.

Ordinary commuters up and down the land are excited about the return to work.

“I for one can’t wait,” said handpicked talking head Tori Plant. “It will be a joy to lose two hours of sleep, or even more if there’s a lovely breakfast meeting. To shave bits I haven’t shaved in months, to actually have a shower, to put on uncomfortable clothes and makeup, to drive into town and get frustrated with the traffic jams. I have missed battling with useless computers, interminable meetings called by someone who just wants an ego boost, and the constant low level harassment from male colleagues.”

That’s quite a list. But you haven’t mentioned your inspiration yet, and we agreed that you would.

“That’s an extra fifty grand, then,” she snapped. “Sorry, that’s off the record. Put it into my hand, right now… Thank you. OK, here goes… I take my inspiration from Boris, of course,” she explained, in a much warmer tone. “He works so hard, and he’s such a role model, and if he came to my workplace he would definitely be my office shag.”

I think we can all take inspiration from a man who has never done an honest day’s work in his life, yet manages to get the country’s top job. There’s a lesson there for all of us.